The Readme File from Hell

From: (Mike Finley)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
Subject: The READ.ME File From Hell

The README.1ST file you wish you had really read first

by Michael Finley, Exclusive to the St. Paul Pioneer Press

Readme file for EZ-Net Pro III+

IMPORTANT! This online file contains information not available at the time the documentation for this product, EZ-Net Pro III+, was printed. This version (READ119.ME 12/25/98) supersedes the 118 previous READ.ME files. For a complete set of all READ.ME files, call 1-900-442-4444. The fee for this set is $29.95, plus $.50 per minute of the call.

SPECIFICATIONS.The official minimum requirement for running EZ-Net Pro III+ is 4 megabytes of RAM and an Intel 80386 microprocessor. Field reports suggest, however, that a more optimal configuration might be 64 megabytes and a Pentium II, running at 366 MHz.

WHAT'S NEW. EZ-Net Pro III+, Version 3.1 is an upgrade of EZ-Net Pro III+, Version 3.0, released last October. It includes fixes of many of the problems reported in Version 3. It also includes online wizards.

PRICING. The price for the complete EZ-Net Pro III+ is $399.95. The price for the 90-day upgrade, including fixes and wizards, is $249.95.

TECHNICAL SUPPORT. Before you call, write down your CONFIG.SYS, AUTOEXEC.BAT, WIN.INI, SYSTEM.INI, and EZPRO.INI files. Also write relevant information from your CMOS file about hard disk type, IRQ interrupts, expanded memory, extended memory, and DMA channels.

The hours for technical support are 2-4 PM, Tuesdays and Thursdays, Hong Kong time. The number is 1-900-442-4444. Callers will be assessed a $.50 per minute charge. Technicians answer calls in the order they are made. Over 55% of calls are answered in the first twelve minutes. Due to the popularity of tech support services, EZ-Net Corp. is giving consideration at this time to adding an additional support line.

Callers impatient with delays may be interested in our "Caller Waiting Catalog," featuring programs and publications to help pass the time online. Included is information about needlecrafts, scrimshaw, and copies of our English phrase book for call centers. For more information, call 1-900-442-4444 ($.50 per minute).

INSTALLATION. To install, copy all the files from the disks supplied with EZ-NET Pro III+ onto your hard disk. Load them in the assigned order, from Disk #1 (Setup) to Disk #13 (Help Files). If your system locks up during set-up, simply reboot and start again. If^H^HWhen you get them successfully installed, reboot to DOS and run setup.exe.

During installation, EZ-Net Pro III+ setup.exe will create temporary files consuming 80 megabytes of space, many of which which will then be deleted upon the completion of the installation. You may wish to delete permanent programs to make room for these temporary files. EZ-Net Pro III+ will create an indestructible EZ-Net startup program group for all of the other fine programs in the EZ-Net Corp. family of software applications.

Some users report difficulty in reading disks supplied with EZ-Net Pro III+. These disks conform to the industry's most exacting standards for tensile strength and are certified by an independent evaluator to be as good as new. Before calling technical support, check to see that your disk drives are properly aligned.

For best results, do not run EZ-Net Pro III+ concurrently with other programs. Do not run EZ-Net Pro III+ in "turbo" mode. Do not run EZ-Net Pro III+ near other electronic equipment, magnetic fields, power lines or on portable computers. If your computer uses an internal modem, disconnect the modem before using EZ-Net Pro III+.

EZ-Net Pro III+ can cause instability in Windows 3.1, 3.11 (Windows for Workgroups), and in Windows 95/98. For best results, use Windows 3.0 or Windows NT.

*** Warning: Do not expose disks to light***

Any use of EZ-Net Pro III+ that goes against implied and expressed conditions stated by EZ-Net Corp. constitutes a violation of the licensing agreement and renders the limited warranty null and void at the discretion of EZ-Net Corp., its successors and assignees.

If trouble persists, see your repair entity or call Technical Support at 1-900-442-4444. You will be assessed $.50 per minute of your call.

TROUBLESHOOTING. If EZ-Net Pro Net III+ does not work, the problem is usually with your hardware. Check that all cables are securely attached and that the power switch is in the "ON" position. If disk bays emit smoke upon reboot, call 1-900-442-4444 for further instructions. You will be charged $.50 per minute of your call.

EX-Net Pro III+ operates differently on different systems. While 100% IBM compatible, problems have occurred with off-brand systems such as Compaq, Dell, and Gateway. If you switch to a 100% IBM compatible system, many problems should disappear.

Feel free to play with the macro language described in your booklet "Fun with the EZ-Net Pro III+ Scripting Language Ver.2" It is great fun. If you can create a macro to return the user to the main menu from the scripting utility, please call us immediately at 1-900-442-4444. If your macro works, the $.50 per minute charge will be waived.

For additional problems, consult your user's manual "Operation Manual for EZ-Net Pro III+ Version 3.1." Note that the errata sheet, inserted in the inside front cover, contains several errors: Microsoft Corp. is located in Redmond, WA, not Singapore. Our corporate motto is Concrete Solutions for Computer Applications, not Applying a Concrete Solution to Your Computer.

OUR GUARANTEE. We thank you for purchasing EZ-Net Pro III+. Our goal is complete customer satisfaction. To be sure of your responsibilities and obligations under this license, refer to the list in Appendix 1 in your manual, entitled "What You May Not Do."

You are protected by the EZ-Net Pro III+ limited warranty. To invoke this warranty, simply send us by registered mail the unopened box, with disk envelopes still sealed, along with serial number, which is written on Set-Up Disk #1. Include your original receipt and a return authorization number. To obtain a return authorization number, call customer service at 1-900-442-4444. As per the fine print of our limited warranty, we will send you a new copy of EZ-Net Pro III+ free of charge. Users will be assessed a $.50 per minute charge.

Thank you for purchasing EZ-Net Pro III+.

See also the source code for Windows 2000!! You can also read another readme file even funnier than this one, some Secret MS Source Code from their marketing department, an important article about Online addiction, or you can visit the Boar's Ring page or the maintainer's site map.